Mommy has a new "friend"

Me: hey, today mommy is going to a friends house by herself, and she is going to stay the night there, sort of like the sleep over you and Jay just had.

Motormouth: You are? I am going to miss you (awwww). Who is your friend?

Me: My friend Kathleen. She and I went to school together waaay back when we were your age, all the way through high school and we have been friends ever since.

Motormouth: You're going to Kevin's?

Me: No. Kathleen. Kath-a-leens.

Motormouth: okay (shrugs)

Me: No, I want you to understand that I am going to a girl's house, and her name is Kathleen.

He's almost fully trained!

Me: You know what sounds good? Chinese food. mmmmm

Sgt. G: ih.

Me: ih?? It's Chinese!

Sgt. G: just don't know if it sounds good.

Me: oh, well, what does?

Sgt. G: no, you want Chinese, you are going to end up getting Chinese. Which means I'M going to have to go back out and get it for you.

Me: I COULD go get it myself, and I can stop and get you something, or we can both eat what you want.

Sgt. G: Please, if you want Chinese, you will have it, and I will go back out into the cold and wind and get it for you....but you have to order it.

Me: oooh. tough negotiator.

And this is why they invented gift cards

So, my mother-in-law bought me Mamma Mia for Christmas. Now, I actually do like a good musical, but this one just didn't interest me, probably due to the Abba music. Back when I was working at a bank, one of the girls would play one of their greatist hits albums, oh, about 3 times a week. It's the Abba channel, all day every day. Needless to say, if I ever did enjoy their music (not likely) all the enjoyment would have been ground out of me during that time. So, what to do with this movie....I have to admit, I toyed with the idea of trying to take it back to various stores, see if I could exchange it for something else, but I ultimately decided that would be rude. I knew that she would eventually ask me if I watched it, and I have been trying really hard lately not to tell even the littlest lies. So, the day after Christmas Sgt.G had taken the neighbor kid hunting, and after a couple of hours I gave up and put it in. Unfortunately for Sgt. G, he came home about 10 minutes into the movie."What the hell is that noise?" he asks from the other room.
Me: Mamma Mia
Sgt. G: You are actually going to watch that? Do you have to do it now? I don't think it is appropriate for your young sons to be in the house while you are watching it. (let's keep in mind that we just watched Paint Your Wagon with Motormouth last week and had to skirt around the issues of prostitution and bigamy)
Me: you mean you, and you weren't here when it started.
Sgt. G: oh good, so is it almost finished?
Me: Uh, maybe (so much for not telling those lies, right?)
an hour later...."my ears are bleeding"
Me: Hey, why should I suffer alone?
Sgt. G: if you don't like it, why are you watching it?
I then launch into my explination for watching the movie, to which Sgt. G thinks I am crazy. He thinks I should just smile and nod if she ever remembers to ask. I still think that is a little rude. I can just imagine her out shopping for me, wondering what to get, trying to find a good sale....I know it is a lot of work, I used to do all that myself, and I don't want to seem ungrateful (regardless of what she thinks, I do try to be a good daughter-in-law) So, what is the proper protocol here? If she bought me clothes and they didn't fit, it would be acceptable to exchange, right? I could even probably call her for the gift receipt in that situation. So, I am wondering what everyone else's memorable cringe-worthy gifts were, and if they sucked it up, or did something about it? Feel free to change names to protect feelings.

I am Mr. Mom

Monkey's Parapro at school has started calling him Mr. Monkey. I am praying she started doing it to reinforce using proper titles when addressing adults, since Monkey does have a habit of just using last names, and it isn't really appropriate for a kindergartener to yell "Crampton!!!" when he sees his principal. So, all vacation Sgt. G and I have been dealing with formalities. This isn't really as big of a deal for Sgt. G. Sure its strange for your kid to call you Mr. Daddy, but some people's kids call their dad 'sir' so it could be worse. But if that kid calls me Mr. Mom one more time.........ah, well, I probably wont do much of anything really, he's kinda cute.

Wait a minute, was that an option?

My inlaws came over (minus one sister in law and boyfriend- car issues) yesterday for dinner (that would be lunch for all you city folk) and we had a nice, fairly stressfree day. At least I think it was stressfree, I tend to be sort of oblivious to underlying tension if it doesn't directly involve me or scream in my face, so I think everything went okay....Anywhoo, I had been a little nervous for a number of reasons; our house is sort of small, I realized that I have never actually had Sgt. G's family over to our house (living out of state has it's perks), there are always ancient family issues just waiting to rear their ugly heads (someday I will have to tell you the story of the Red Potato Fight that I inadvertantly started a few years ago, and to this day I dare not mention red potatoes in mixed company) and the one Christmas that we hosted MY family for Christmas still makes Sgt. G and I shudder, just to name a few. So, as my mother-in-law is fussing around my kitchen (I am under no illusion that I am going to be part of the preparations here, I gave up my kitchen to her long ago) she makes the comment that she had thought about picking up some wine for dinner. Wait, What? We have never drank much around the inlaws, but since we have moved back, we have started. My brother-in-law and I had a very fun Labor Day this past summer, it was another tense weekend and he had a great time keeping hard lemonades in my hand. But, I don't think I have EVER seen Sgt. G's mom drink. I didn't even know it was an option.

Sgt G and I are making Motormouth's bed.
Sgt. G: Those are sheets for our bed
Me: no they are not, these are full, not queen(repeat these 2 statements with various phrasing a couple more times)
Me: (big sigh I learned from my mother as we stretch the sheet over the corners) I'm waiting..
Sgt. G: You were right.
Me: And?
Sgt. G: Which more importantly, means....you were right.
Me: ah, not what I was looking for
Sgt. G: (as Motormouth wanders into his room) I can't say it in front of the kid
Me: Like he doesn't already know
Sgt. G: Okay, you were right, which more importantly means- I was wrong.
Me: Did Daddy just say anything you didn't already know?
Motormouth: Nope. You're always right. Daddy's not.
Sgt. G: Traitor
Motormouth: She knows everything you do too, just like Santa Claus

Give me some Windex, and it all goes to Hell.

I like to clean. I admit it. I know that makes me a bit of a nut, and for those that have been to my house, you know how odd that is, since my house is rarely ever actually clean. I do like to do it. It feels great to get in all the little corners and crevices and get them all shiney...but I get a little obsessive and then I end up spending 20 minutes cleaning the exhaust fan with a Q-tip or something. So, I don't allow myself to go there very often. Its a dark place and I have a hard time coming back out into the light. There are way more important things to do in life, and I know it. Today started out innocent enough. I wanted to do laundry, wipe down the bathroom before the inlaws come tomorrow, and sweep the kitchen floor so I can mop it after the kids go to bed. Then I noticed that the sliding doors to the deck were covered with dog slobber and kid prints, so I dug out my window cleaner. This is where it all went downhill. When I got done with the windows, I decided to keep the cleaner out so I could clean all of my appliances with them. I started in the kitchen and had just gotten a nice streak free shine on the oven door when I realized that the cupboards looked a little dirty....so I did those. If the cupboards are dirty, the doorknobs must be too.... 30 minutes later I find myself ridding all the doorframes and lightswitches of fingerprints. Monkey wants to eat lunch. Since he should have eaten an hour ago, this is not an outrageous request, but Mommy can't right now, because she is Windexing all the doorknobs. Next I am going to pull all the light fixtures down and wash them. I know I shouldn't, but I can't get it out of my head now. After that I think I will get the pledge back out and clean the edges of the baseboards with some Q-tips. This would be a little funny if it weren't true. I am in too deep, and if I don't I know I will lay awake tonight worrying about the dirt caught between the keys on the computer keyboard. I better get the Lysol out too, it is germ season and I can't remember the last time I sanitized the phones....So, if you ever come to my house and look around and think "would it kill her to dust?" then answer is- it might. I know I am an addict and I would like some support while I try to quit. Also, cut Sgt. G some slack, he lives with this kind of crazy every day.