Don't make me feed him goldfish crackers and unleash him on you.

We've lived here for three years now. That means a lot of things, mostly that G and I are dying to move, but also that the kids are due for eligibility reevaluations at their schools. I wasn't on the ball with Motormouth's school, and let them do the re-eval, and they are wanting to change his eligibility from ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorders) to some stupid 'dual' eligibility (because they don't argue that he has Autism, just not enough). That's another story, though, and I won't bore you with it. I called Monkey's school and told his teacher that I wanted to decline the eligibility re-evaluation (they have to be done every three years to determine placement in Special Education, UNLESS the school and the parents agree that there is no need. I can't imagine them deciding that Monkey doesn't have Autism, so I don't want to give them the chance). She called me back after a week and said that it was okay, so I'm assuming that means the school doesn't question his eligibility either, thank God. She then proceeded to tell me that they would still have to do 'some' testing and observations with him to satisfy the MET requirements, yada yada yada. At this point I'm a little suspicious of everything the district is saying, so interrupt her with the following:

Me: I guess I'm okay with you doing what you need to in order to 'check the box' on the paperwork, but I will need you to inform me in advance what days the testing and observations will be done.

Teacher: oh...sure...I guess we can do that, how much notice are you needing?

Me: at least the day before. I feel that if you are going to be observing and testing him, then you should be getting a true look at Monkey without the supports he has in place for his Autism. The main support piece that we provide at home for him is keeping him on his strict GF/CF diet, which as you know, helps him control his behavior, sit still and focus, among other things- and I feel that we would need to take him off his diet for you to really get a feel for what Monkey's special needs REALLY are....you are probably going to want to get everything done in one day. He's going to be a complete mess (shrieking, flailing, hysterical mess) and so I really don't want to subject him to feeling so out of control longer than absolutely necessary. Okay?

Teacher: um...you know....let me talk to the Social Worker. She knows Monkey pretty well, maybe we don't have to do all that....let me find out what we REALLY need to have for this before we jump into testing...*nervous laugh*.

Me: why don't you do that and get back to me.

What a difference a year makes.

Went to Monkey's parent/teacher conference a week or two ago, expecting the worst. What can I say, these things have not gone well since preschool. I keep hearing that he is fine, he is friendly and so cute and not a behavior problem at all, which makes me nervous. Fortunately, he really is doing well in his new class. So good in fact, that he hasn't needed a behavior chart or individual picture schedule all year. His teacher had very nice things to say, talked about how he tries to trick all the ladies in the room into letting him get away without doing his school work by trying to just hug and cuddle with them instead (they now have a 'we'll hug when you do your work' rule). He even moved up a reading group. What got me smiling all the way home was the story she told about him.
A few weeks ago one of the little girls in his class got into trouble and had to take a time out. She wasn't happy about it and was throwing a fit and screaming at the teacher. Monkey gets out of his chair, runs over to his teacher and says "Don't worry, I'll handle this" and marches up to the little girl, plants both feet, sticks his hand out and demands "STOP!! That's not nice!" and marches back to his seat. Apparently the little girl was so shocked that Monkey actually spoke to her that she stopped screaming.
And here I was half expecting her to tell me that Monkey marched up to the little girl and tipped her and her chair over.

'Tis the season to be selling fa la la la la, la la llllaaa LLLAAAA

School started for the boys a week ago, which means we have now officially entered "fundraising season". I dread this season. Not only does it give me flashbacks of the endless fundraising I had to do as a child for school/band/girl scouts/church but it comes with so many more rules now. Every fundraiser form we get states that you can't let your kids sell door to door, that they should only sell to family and close friends. That's great, but family means cousins, and cousins are also selling the same exact junk to the same exact family members, and how many gift cards/cheese logs/ceramic mugs/cookie dough/cook books/rolls of wrapping paper does Grandma really need? Round one started today when Motormouth brought home his little magazine 'o treats and order form. Attached to the front was a perky little letter detailing the deliciousness of the different cookie doughs, cakes, and subs and their prices from (I am assuming) the head of the PTC. She signs off her letter by saying that each child's goal is to sell 20 subs and 20 blocks of dough. That's roughly $270 in sales. She has got to be delusional, er, kidding.

During dinner Motormouth announces that there is a meeting at school tonight for moms and that I need to go. Yes indeedy, it is the first PTC meeting of the year. I had toyed with the idea of going, but ultimately decided that since the kids are still in separate schools, that this would NOT be the year I start attending PTC (yeah, yeah all you other moms out there, I'm making you look bad, so grab your stones, I'll meet you in the street).
Motormouth: You HAVE to go. It's important.
Me: yeah? what are they going to talk about that is so important?
Motormouth: I dunno.

Yep. Not going. For the following 3 reasons.
1. I can't keep my thoughts to myself.
2. Not everyone finds my wit and sarcasm endearing.
3. It's better to avoid situations where 1 and 2 might happen.

I don't think I know any responsible adults.

There must be something in the air because there has been a lot of talk about sex lately. Maybe it is because it's Spring....I don't know. But, it has come to my attention that some responsible adult should be talking to Motormouth about s.e.x. After all, he is nine and they are going to start talking about it in school next year and it is freaking me out. So, in an effort to not have to freak out alone, I shared my thoughts with others. It went well.

Me: WE should be thinking about talking to Motormouth about sex. He's nine and I guess that is when THEY suggest you do that.

Sgt. G: By WE I assume you mean.....

Me: yeah. you.

Sgt. G: (groans) Can't we just show him a video or something?

Me: Don't they call that "corruption of a minor"? I think that sort of thing leads to jail time.

Sgt. G: I didn't mean that kind of video.....but now that you mention it......

Me: Yeah, that will give him a realistic idea of how things work.

Sgt. G: I'm still waiting for my busload of cheerleaders.

Me: keep waiting, it could happen.

Monkey update

I just got a call from Monkey's new teacher at his new school. He started there today and he and I were there at 0800 this morning to check it out and sign paperwork. Turns out that he had a really great day, and was very active and engaged in everything. He did calendar and small groups and music was happy about it all. Until he earned his 4 stars (the magic number that lets him play the Wii at home). then he was done. He wouldn't sit for ending circle and was just running around. they tried to lure him with earning another star, but he just informed them that he already had his 4. :). So, she is going to bump him up to 5 stars and I reminded her that nothing works better than taking one of those stars away. So, anyway. good first day, better than anyone hoped, and I am glad they are figuring him out so quickly. He even asked one of the girls to come back and play with him and she did, so that was a big thing for him! This week is starting out pretty good, and I needed that!

Hey kid do you...want some candy, to go home, a sticker, me not to strangle you?

I got a note from Monkey's teachers this week. It seems he does great at school as long as the routine is followed. Monkey totally freaks out if there is any change to the schedule at all. I know both sides of this problem, we struggle with it at home too. You can't avoid schedules altogether, especially at school, just like you can't avoid interruptions to that schedule. I am a little frustrated that they can't figure out a solution that works for school without asking me. This is Woman 101: The Art of Manipulation. Try whispering in his ear "Hey Monkey, do you want a skittle?" if he says yes, say "Great! Let's go do (insert task here), then we will get a skittle."
This works on people of all ages. Maybe not with Skittles. You just have to find that person's "currency". How many of you haven't done a variation of this with either your kids or your significant other? "Would you like to (insert favorable treat)? Okay, do (insert unfavorable task) and then you can (insert favorable task/treat)."
I really don't want to spell this out for them again. Instead I think I will just send a note back saying:
"Oh, I am so sorry for Monkey's behavior. I wish I knew what to tell you, but the truth is, his dad is the same way. Let me know what you figure out to do with Monkey, because I would really love it if his dad would also quit hiding under the table when he gets upset."

Pointless recount of my day.

Okay, so yesterday I am just not having a great day. Tried to make some phone calls in the morning but ended up leaving messages...tried to take a nap in the afternoon, but ended up having people returning my phone calls from the morning. That and a very strange recorded call about not wanting to saddle my family with expensive funeral costs...(what do I care, I'm dead.) Monkey got home and it turns out he didn't have a very good day either. He only earned one star out of the four he needs to get to play the Wii, so he was upset. In addition to only earning the one, I guess he decided to crawl under a table during his Speech time. When threatened with star removal, he came out kicking. Then biting. His principal had to come down and get him for a little trip down to the office. Within 15 minutes Monkey was asleep on a beanbag chair in the office (So THAT'S where my nap went!) So Monkey wins the bad day competition, because it only got worse for him when he got home and had to deal with an upset Momma. Not only do you lose Wii privledges, but all your handheld games too. Sucks to be you, you shouldn't try to bite people. At least Motormouth had a better day...no 6th grader physically assaulting his teacher like on Tuesday, so his week is improving. Then we had to go to the store to try to find Monkey's cereal, they have been out of it for almost 2 weeks now, and guess what? They still are. But I promised we would get some popcorn and the boys could watch a movie in Motormouth's room when we got home. At the store there was fighting over who holds Mommy's hand, who stands on the end of the cart, who gets to touch the grapefruit and who gets to be the monitor of who touches the grapefruit (guess what???? Mommy handles both those jobs just fine, thanks), who gets to carry the popcorn through the store, who unloads the cart, who checks the Coinstar machine for Canadian change......aaarrrggghhhhh. If they are driving me nuts they can't be pleasant for anyone else, so I renege on our previously agreed upon trip to Blockbuster and go straight home. Poor babies, have to watch one of the 150 movies you already own. When's dinner? when's dinner? When's dinner? (better question What's dinner What's dinner?) I banish them with popcorn bowls to the other room. Why does Monkey get more popcorn than I do? (I love him more, that's why) Monkey is climbing onto my top bunk. He is turning my light on/off. Monkey doesn't have quite enough language to tattle quite as well, so he just keeps coming in and saying "Moooommmmm....HE, Motormouth!!" I finally give up and stuff my ear buds in and crank up my Zune. A little Clapton should help....except I can still hear them. "uh oh...Mommy put her earplugs in, that means she doesn't want to hear us anymore. I am in charge now Monkey" "Okay!!!" This is slightly disturbing for me, but they both seem happy with the arrangement, so I guess I don't care. They leave me alone long enough for me to scrounge up some dinner and get myself remembering why I wanted to have kids in the first place. Oh that's right! I need someone to pay for my expensive funeral arrangements.

I am Mr. Mom

Monkey's Parapro at school has started calling him Mr. Monkey. I am praying she started doing it to reinforce using proper titles when addressing adults, since Monkey does have a habit of just using last names, and it isn't really appropriate for a kindergartener to yell "Crampton!!!" when he sees his principal. So, all vacation Sgt. G and I have been dealing with formalities. This isn't really as big of a deal for Sgt. G. Sure its strange for your kid to call you Mr. Daddy, but some people's kids call their dad 'sir' so it could be worse. But if that kid calls me Mr. Mom one more time.........ah, well, I probably wont do much of anything really, he's kinda cute.