That? It's just the sound of me banging my head against the wall

It's 3 o'clock and G is just realizing that he didn't eat lunch. He finds some lunchmeat and starts making himself a couple of sandwiches. Monkey wanders in and announces excitedly that G is making him sandwiches. G corrects him. I ask Monkey if he would like a sandwich too. This is what I get for trying to be nice and make my kid a second lunch:
Me: Would you like a sandwich?
Monkey: Yes.
Me: We don't have any lunchmeat you can have so it will have to be peanut butter and jelly.
Monkey: No.
Me: No sandwich? okay.
Monkey: Sandwich.
Me: I can only make you peanut butter and jelly. Daddy's sandwich will make you sick. Do you want peanut butter and jelly, or nothing?
Monkey: No. Just peanut butter
Me: Just peanut butter? No jelly?
Monkey: No jelly. Just peanut butter........with jelly.

Don't make me feed him goldfish crackers and unleash him on you.

We've lived here for three years now. That means a lot of things, mostly that G and I are dying to move, but also that the kids are due for eligibility reevaluations at their schools. I wasn't on the ball with Motormouth's school, and let them do the re-eval, and they are wanting to change his eligibility from ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorders) to some stupid 'dual' eligibility (because they don't argue that he has Autism, just not enough). That's another story, though, and I won't bore you with it. I called Monkey's school and told his teacher that I wanted to decline the eligibility re-evaluation (they have to be done every three years to determine placement in Special Education, UNLESS the school and the parents agree that there is no need. I can't imagine them deciding that Monkey doesn't have Autism, so I don't want to give them the chance). She called me back after a week and said that it was okay, so I'm assuming that means the school doesn't question his eligibility either, thank God. She then proceeded to tell me that they would still have to do 'some' testing and observations with him to satisfy the MET requirements, yada yada yada. At this point I'm a little suspicious of everything the district is saying, so interrupt her with the following:

Me: I guess I'm okay with you doing what you need to in order to 'check the box' on the paperwork, but I will need you to inform me in advance what days the testing and observations will be done.

Teacher: oh...sure...I guess we can do that, how much notice are you needing?

Me: at least the day before. I feel that if you are going to be observing and testing him, then you should be getting a true look at Monkey without the supports he has in place for his Autism. The main support piece that we provide at home for him is keeping him on his strict GF/CF diet, which as you know, helps him control his behavior, sit still and focus, among other things- and I feel that we would need to take him off his diet for you to really get a feel for what Monkey's special needs REALLY are....you are probably going to want to get everything done in one day. He's going to be a complete mess (shrieking, flailing, hysterical mess) and so I really don't want to subject him to feeling so out of control longer than absolutely necessary. Okay?

Teacher: um...you know....let me talk to the Social Worker. She knows Monkey pretty well, maybe we don't have to do all that....let me find out what we REALLY need to have for this before we jump into testing...*nervous laugh*.

Me: why don't you do that and get back to me.

Back off Lady!

Why can't people leave Monkey alone in the checkout line? I get that you are standing there, and you are bored and trying to entertain yourself, but when you try to talk to the kid and he ignores you, that is your first clue. When you get more in his face and he says "no" - listen. When you try again and his mother tells you that he doesn't talk to strangers, take the hint. Don't keep trying to engage him in conversation. I am actually happy that he won't talk to you, because we don't know you. I shouldn't have to tell you that he has Autism as a reason for his behavior when you are the one that has trouble reading social cues.One other thing, don't give food or candy to kids when you don't have their parent's permission, or even their attention. And when my kid tells you he can't eat that because it will make him feel funny, don't tell him that he can or that it will be fine just this once. Who the hell are you to decide that? ARGH!!

Church should be like this all the time!

Yesterday I decided we had been heathens long enough. We were going to church, and lack of clean clothes, new puppies, tired kids, and grumpy husbands were not going to stop me. Sgt. G dressed himself and one child, because he has learned by now that if he wishes to live to see the next sunrise, he will not just get himself ready and stand by the door saying "we are going to be late!!" as I pack snacks, toys, check teeth and make sure everyone's underwear was changed, and then try to shower. As we are walking out the door, Monkey throws one doozie of a tantrum. First he tries to refuse putting on socks and shoes, but this is an old trick and I respond by saying fine and hauling him out into the breezeway. Standing barefoot on concrete in December makes you reevaluate your stand....next he refuses to get in the truck or getting buckled, but hey, this ain't new to Mommy either, so after a minute of Mommy sitting on him in the truck (and Daddy trying really hard not to laugh in the front seat) I end up sucessfully buckling him in and sit next to him in the back with one leg over his so he can't kick, and holding his hands, he is reduced to screaming...which he does the entire drive there. Sgt. G and I discuss that the new brand of chocolate soy milk JUST MIGHT have Gluten in it afterall! Sgt G drops Motormouth and me out at the door and settles in to wait Monkey out. Motormouth and I sneak in (because we are late of course) and sit in the back. For 5 minutes I shush him until I realize that I didn't give him his ADHD meds that morning, so he has the right to remain silent, just not the ability. After 15 minutes Sgt. G and Monkey make their entrance while the choir is singing the first of two songs. When the song ends Monkey announces "Let's go home!" and when the music starts again "*sigh* One more song!" just loud enough for half the congregation to hear. Then the children's choir gets up and sings three songs, complete with Monkey repeating his requests inbetween each one. They pass the offering plate while Sgt. G checks his watch. "Pastor Tom is sick, so there doesn't seem to be a sermon today" I whisper. "getting out early...church should be like this all the time!!" he whispers back. I resist the urge to smack him.