Hey kid do you...want some candy, to go home, a sticker, me not to strangle you?

I got a note from Monkey's teachers this week. It seems he does great at school as long as the routine is followed. Monkey totally freaks out if there is any change to the schedule at all. I know both sides of this problem, we struggle with it at home too. You can't avoid schedules altogether, especially at school, just like you can't avoid interruptions to that schedule. I am a little frustrated that they can't figure out a solution that works for school without asking me. This is Woman 101: The Art of Manipulation. Try whispering in his ear "Hey Monkey, do you want a skittle?" if he says yes, say "Great! Let's go do (insert task here), then we will get a skittle."
This works on people of all ages. Maybe not with Skittles. You just have to find that person's "currency". How many of you haven't done a variation of this with either your kids or your significant other? "Would you like to (insert favorable treat)? Okay, do (insert unfavorable task) and then you can (insert favorable task/treat)."
I really don't want to spell this out for them again. Instead I think I will just send a note back saying:
"Oh, I am so sorry for Monkey's behavior. I wish I knew what to tell you, but the truth is, his dad is the same way. Let me know what you figure out to do with Monkey, because I would really love it if his dad would also quit hiding under the table when he gets upset."

Boys are so competitive

The flu has been going around our house, and everyone got the 24 hour strain except Sgt. G. His lasted longer, and he got to take his on a road trip to Kentucky and back this weekend. He called when he got back into Michigan to let me know he was just a few hours away. Motormouth hears me asking G how he is feeling and being generally sympathetic. He announces loudly from the other side of the room:
"You tell Daddy I was WAY more sick than he is...I threw up at Grandma's and the throw up came out my NOSE!!"

You can blame this rant on Todd.

This is actually my brother-in-law's theory, he ranted about this years and years ago to me and I completely agree with him, and because of that, I have had to bite my tongue through more conversations with idiot guys than I can count. Most recently I had to sit through a formal dinner with one particular idiot, and I was almost bleeding by the time the night was through. Since he was a co-worker of Sgt. G's, and I had known the guy for all of 10 minutes, I refrained from embarrassing him in front of everyone. (which in retrospect was a great accomplishment for me, since as some of you know, I don't have much of a filter, and I had consumed several Jack and Cokes throughout this meal)
Have you ever noticed that some guys will complain that his girl is never in the mood, or that she will "hold out" when they are fighting like that is the girl's fault, and not his? I just don't get that. Guess what Dude, if your girl is holding out on you that is noone's fault but yours...and the rest of us are just going to make fun of you if you willingly share that information. Any guy who complains that his girl "holds out", or never seems to be in the mood might as well hang a big sign around his neck announcing "Not that good in bed". Did it ever occur to you that women won't deprive themselves of something that is great for them just because they are mad at you? Newsflash, we don't. Why on earth would we punish ourselves just because you are acting like an moron? Here's a thought, work on your skills. Find out what makes your girl tick (because here's a surprise- we are all different) and make sure she is having a good time, every time. If you do, I can promise you that she will actually say she is sorry first- just to get back into bed. She will magically be in the mood as often as you are, because DUH, we like to feel good too.
So, Sgt. G's co-worker, here's a little advice: instead of putting all this effort into tracking your girl's 'cycle' in an attempt to know when you might get lucky (which by the way, is NOT proper dinner conversation), try being good at it. It's not that hard. Being good at something pays off more than being lucky any day. And if you can't manage to do that, could you at least keep your shortcomings to yourself?

No good deed goes unpunished

My poor mother-in-law. Bless her heart, this poor woman. Not only does she have to deal with me on a regular basis, but her heartfelt gestures seem to come back to bite her.
Monkey had a 24 hour flu bug at the beginning of last week. I managed to come down with it in the wee hours Saturday morning (I mean, REALLY, why is it ALWAYS 2 a.m.?). Sgt. G remembered mid-morning that his parents were in town that day and were going to come over to visit at some point. I am feeling like spit warmed over, and between Monkey and my essay paper fiasco, I haven't picked up anything in this house or cleaned it all week. I suggest that either G calls his parents and tells them not to come, or get cleaning....he made the call. My mother-in-law immediately says she will come get the kids and take them home with her. Isn't that nice? So nice that I can't just say yes like a normal person. NO, I have to insist that it is okay, I mean, it isn't like I haven't ran this household while sick on my own before (Sgt. G had to work all afternoon and evening on Sat, and was leaving Sunday morning for Ft. Knox), we will be fine, thanks anyway...I mean, how delirious am I? Just say Yes, thank you! And then shut up. Thankfully she is undeterred and makes arrangements to come and take the kids to a germ free zone. I am glad she did, Sgt. G got the flu while at work (still had to stay, but that is a whole other issue) so he wouldn't have been much help anyway. I wake up feeling refreshed, and overly ambitious. I think I will not only turn in my final draft of the essay due today, but also turn in the rough draft of the next essay I have to write that is due on Tuesday. I will also do my other homework in advance, and sanitize this house....sounds great right? It is amazing what 20 hours of sleep will do for a person. Then my mother-in-law calls. Seems Motormouth came down with the flu while at her house. I guess he was so sick that she ended up sleeping with him last night...so for her efforts she will likely get her turn with this lovely bug by the end of the week. She would like to bring him home a little early. Can't say as I blame her.

I know how to HAVE FUN.

I'm trying to get the kids out the door tonight. I am trying, but failing. On a long list of hold-ups is the issue of footwear. We are going to a school carnival and I want the kids to wear shoes because we will be indoors. Monkey wants to wear his boots. "We will just stand here until you put your shoes on," I say. "We can't go and HAVE FUN until you put your shoes on." We all stand around for about a minute (Look at me, practicing my patience!!) and Monkey finally gives in and puts on his shoes. The idea of missing out on HAVING FUN is too much for him. He points out that they have red dots on them. They look like they have been put there on purpose, but I have no idea why. Something to do with getting them on the right feet at school maybe, and Monkey needs me to be impressed with his dots. "Oooohhhh!" I exclaim. "Dots!!" (Look at me, practicing my enthusiasm). I must have convinced Monkey that I loved the dots appropriately enough, because we were finally on our way out the door.....to HAVE FUN....at the school carnival. One stop on the way, I had to hit the bank ATM. As we pull into the parking lot Monkey announces "This is NOT fun." Glad you noticed, kid. Motormouth explains "you can't have fun without money." I am slightly disturbed that my nine year old believes this to be true. "There are lots of things you can do for fun that don't cost anything." I say. "uh, yeah mom, I know, but we aren't doing one of those things tonight. I was telling Monkey that we couldn't have fun TONIGHT without money.(like, duh)" Oh. I'll save my fear of raising materialistic monsters for another day. We spent an hour at the carnival playing games and winning candy. We did manage not to win one of those poor goldfish that you have to bonk on the head with a ping pong ball, my run as Dr. Dolittle must finally be over. So, after an hour of chaos I call it a night. The kids are both well sugared and one of them is sporting blue hair, and they are both bouncing around begging for cotton candy- it is definitely time to go (without the cotton candy). I was pretty impressed, we managed to navigate a crazy, loud, overly-crowded room with adults talking to and touching Monkey for an hour with no embarrassing scenes. I sort of feel like we should celebrate somehow..... This is a small victory of sorts...... I fight the urge to go to Meijer's and buy goldfish.

Can't argue with that.

I finish cleaning the bunny cage and haul the bag 'o poo out to the kitchen

Sgt. G: Don't even think about putting that in the kitchen trash

Me: I do all the time

Sgt. G: You can just haul your pretty little butt outside with that.

Me: But its really cold ou....

Sgt. G: and while your at it you can grab the trash from the garage too.

Me: You mean the trash you were going to take out last night?

Sgt G: yup, I only got it as far as the garage.

Me: But....

Sgt. G: I got up and fed the kids, am doing laundry, unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher and ran to the store for bread and bacon so I could cook you breakfast, which is almost ready.

(I open my mouth, then close it)

Sgt. G: yeah, that's what I thought, you got nothing.

Maybe I should look in the mirror.....

I crawl out of bed this morning after 8 (my negotiated morning to sleep in). Monkey hears me come out of the bedroom and comes running into the kitchen from the living room
"Mommy!! Good Morni....I havta hide!" he turns and runs back into the living room.
"what's the deal? Do I look that bad?" I ask
Sgt. G turns and looks me up and down, stopping at my hair, which feels like it is standing on end. "You are looking a little frightening."

Excuse me for not being bald like everyone else in this house.

A little later I am at the computer and Motormouth starts hovering around me.
"Can I play the computer when you are done with your homework?"
Me: "sure, just give me 10 minutes"
Motormouth: "Thanks mom, you are the best. I love you so much. *big hug*"
Me: What did you do?
Motormouth: Nothing, I just love you.
Me: hmmmm.
Motormouth: Are you feeling okay? I don't want you to be sick anymore.
Me: what are you talking about?
Motormouth: you just don't look so good.

I hope he realizes that there is no inheritance.