I am almost postive that Sgt. G says ABSOLUTELY

This weekend we were camping in our parents yard (how redneck is that??? )

There are two very good reasons for this:
1. we want to get to use the new camper, but want to see family as much as possible this summer, and
2. the dog isn't allowed in the house

Monkey and I were heading in for bathroom and breakfast and we were having a disagreement on who should have to walk to the house. I felt that since it was morning, and we all have legs, that we should all use them. Monkey clearly disagreed. He jumps in front of me, scowls, bends over a little, and waves his arms (think umpire declaring the runner "safe") and says
"No!! Ab-so-mootly NOT!!!"

Do you have any idea how hard it is too keep a straight face when your six year old mimics your husband when he is angry? What is funnier is that G didn't realize that Monkey was doing a daddy impression.

well, now I can't give him crap about it.

Sgt G. was cleaning our bedroom, and he comes out folding some hunter orange pants. He is finally getting all his hunting stuff out of our bedroom and stored back out in the garage until fall.

Me: Wait, are those new pants? (tags still hanging on them....I am quite the detective). When did you get those?

G: These are those ones I bought on sale...we've had this discussion.

Me: Didn't you just buy pants last year? I swear with the money you spend on hunting stuff....

G: No I didn't just buy pants last year. The only orange pants I had were the first pair my dad got me about 15 years ago. I'm going to give them to Motormouth.

He holds them up and they do look like they would fit a nine year old easier than they would fit him.

G: I bought this shirt last year (he holds up another hunter orange object)

Me: (peering into the storage tub) huh. Wait, are these the camo pants I wore when we took the kids sledding? (I don't own a pair of snowpants....which is why you don't ever see pictures of me sledding with the kids....I look like Backwoods Barbie) Or are these new pants too?

G: No, those are not new, and those are not the ones you wore. Those have suspenders. You wore my camo coverall set.

Me: So, you have two pairs of camo pants for hunting?

G: (slowly) yeeeessss.

Me: Oh, wait. I get it. It's like shoes.

G: What?

Me: Your hunting stuff. It's your version of women's shoes. You know, you have all this stuff when just one or two things would do. I don't get why you spend money on this and everything in here looks pretty much the same to me.

G: You got me. These are my women's shoes.

I don't think I know any responsible adults.

There must be something in the air because there has been a lot of talk about sex lately. Maybe it is because it's Spring....I don't know. But, it has come to my attention that some responsible adult should be talking to Motormouth about s.e.x. After all, he is nine and they are going to start talking about it in school next year and it is freaking me out. So, in an effort to not have to freak out alone, I shared my thoughts with others. It went well.

Me: WE should be thinking about talking to Motormouth about sex. He's nine and I guess that is when THEY suggest you do that.

Sgt. G: By WE I assume you mean.....

Me: yeah. you.

Sgt. G: (groans) Can't we just show him a video or something?

Me: Don't they call that "corruption of a minor"? I think that sort of thing leads to jail time.

Sgt. G: I didn't mean that kind of video.....but now that you mention it......

Me: Yeah, that will give him a realistic idea of how things work.

Sgt. G: I'm still waiting for my busload of cheerleaders.

Me: keep waiting, it could happen.

Just leave the seat up. You win. I admit defeat and you win.

On the days I work in the morning, I usually try to squeeze in a nap while the kids are in school. The dog usually wakes me up by barking like crazy 2 feet from my face because Motormouth is coming through the door....so I am already a ray of sunshine while trying to deal with Motormouth's incessant chattering and questions. Motormouth came in clutching some Red Vines and asked to trade for some candy that he can actually eat (let me say right here how amazing I think this kid is that he will hold candy that he isn't supposed to eat all the way home on the bus while all the other kids are eating theirs because he knows he isn't supposed to eat it- how many 9 year olds would do that? He gets so much credit for that, but apparently, that credit does not transfer) He makes a trade, I eat the Red Vines and tell him to wash his hands before he eats his candy. He goes to the bathroom and washes his hands and wanders off. I then go in to use the bathroom after him.....and somehow manage to channel my mother. In my defense for the following exchange...this would be the third time in as many days that his father and I have talked to him about this.

Me: (from the toilet) ARGH!!! MOTORMOUTH!! DID YOU GO POTTY WITH THE SEAT DOWN?????

Motormouth: Whoops

Me: Do you realize that when you do that you get pee all over the seat and so then Mommy sits in it???

Motormouth:.....................heeheeSORRY!!

Me: (practically whispering) I'll give you a head start.

Motormouth: What?

Me: Go. Now. Run. Now. Away.

Your next wife will hate that.

Sgt. G: I have been thinking about what tattoo I want for my birthday.

Me: forget it. We can't afford, and I refuse to look at an entire sleeve of RealTree camouflage.

Sgt. G: Okay, well seriously then, I am thinking some sort of military tribute tat on my calf.

Me: mmm, I don't know. I think it is strange to have tattoos where you have hair, you can't really see the tattoo.

Sgt. G: Well, then I will just get your name.

Me: huh.....like over your heart?

Sgt. G: I was thinking more of on my back, since that would be more symbolic.

Me: I think you should take the advice your mom gave last summer, give it a few years, see if this whole marriage thing works out.

Keep digging, you're going to need a ladder and a flashlight.

Sgt. G: Oh, guess who's wife at work is having a baby?

Me: Just tell me....your kidding! First Chris and Sarah (our pseudo-siblings) and now them. *sigh* Everyone is having a baby but me.

Sgt. G: Which is as it should be.

Me: (herding naked Monkey into the bathtub where he belongs) I want a baby.

Sgt. G: What?

Me: (poking my head around the corner) I said I want a baby.

Sgt. G: Do you have any idea how much that would hurt ME?

Me:.......you didn't just seriously say that to me.

Sgt. G: (realizing his mistake, and trying hard to backpedal) Well, it would hurt me, for about a week if they did the reversal, and then another week to have the whole thing redone. You are talking about cutting my junk here.

Me: Seriously, a whole week? and a tiny little incision? do you realize who you are talking to?

Sgt. G: (watching me try to dry off a slippery Monkey as he dances naked around the living room) Aren't you outnumbered enough?

Me: Don't change the subject. *sigh* I could just go out to Chris and Sarah's and kidnap their baby for a while.

Sgt. G: I'll buy you a plane ticket.

Let the circle be unbroken

After getting my second refusal letter in a row for medical tests I had done from our insurance company, I gave in and called to get the mess straightened out.
Do I have my authorization for treatment and the refusal to pay statements together? Check.
Do I have enough time to wait on hold right now? Check.
Enough patience and energy to deal with bureaucrats? Apparently not.
I will summarize so you don't fall asleep from sheer boredom. They were refusing to pay because my social security number was "incorrect" on the forms; which means it was MY social security number and not Sgt. G's. The stupid woman is arguing with me about where his social security number needs to be. I think if it asks for the patient's SS#, the doctor's office and hospital were both correct in putting my # there. They had then put Sgt. G's SS# in where it asked for the policy holder's SS#. This would make sense to anybody, right? Not to my Tricare lady. She is not allowed to make that connection on her own and needs Sgt. G's social where mine is. Okay, whatever.

Me: So, can you guarantee that when this paperwork comes back to Tricare that it will come back to you personally?

Tricare lady: No, but I assure you, it will be fine.

Me: Really? Because I am pretty sure that most insurance claims people would wonder why my husband needed a PAP smear and an ultrasound to check for breast cancer.

To top all this off, when I called the hospital to have them make the changes and re-bill my insurance, the hospital billing department woman responded with this:
"Tricare has denied payment already? Well isn't that interesting. We haven't billed them yet."

And the Circle of Absurdity is complete.